The Key to Communication

What are the keys to effective communication?

Effective communication is the foundation of every successful relationship – whether it be our friendships, romantic relationships, or professional endeavours. Being able to properly communicate our thoughts and understand another person’s enables us to build strong connections, resolve differences, and work towards common goals. We often think that communication is as simple as: Person A says something to Person B, Person B understands and responds, to which Person A then understands and responds, and so forth.  However, this basic formula hinges on the assumption that what is being communicated is properly understood by the receiver of the information.

Life experience would tell us that this is not always the case and a lot of life’s little (and big!) problems can be traced back to miscommunication. Here are a few simple steps to help you improve your communication and better connect with the important people in your life.

Be Clear

It’s important that you know what you want to say and why you want to say it.  This is especially important for significant conversations.  Before you engage with someone clarify your intention and your message.  Do this by having an inner dialogue with yourself to clarify your points.  Avoid speaking in vague terms or obscuring your points with too many words.

Be Honest and Tactful

Sometimes we have the tendency to avoid discussing unpleasant topics or engaging in potentially uncomfortable conversations. We use euphemisms to deliver bad news and sugar-coat our criticisms.  It’s important to remember that there are tactful ways to present even the most unpleasant messages.  Remember that integrity is lost when honesty is lost, and ultimately we become hindered when our messages aren’t adequately delivered. So while your best friend may not need to know that her annoying habit drives you absolutely insane to the point you want to pull your hair out, she may benefit from knowing the impact this habit has on you, and possibly others, and how the relationship may be improved if it changed. You should be to be sensitive to the feelings of others without obscuring the truth of what you are trying to say.

Listen to the Words and the Music

This is one of the most important things to remember when it comes to communication.  It means to pay attention to the content of what a person sharing with you (i.e. the words) but also be aware of the context and the process (i.e. the music).  When we move beyond the content we can see that a lot of information about a message is conveyed through the timing, delivery, and emotion that is associated with it.  Tune into your own feelings throughout an interaction.  What you’re feeling is usually a good indicator of what the other person is trying to communicate.

Pay Attention to Non-Verbal Cues

Non-verbal communication says a lot more than words often can.  Pay attention to body language, eye contact, and facial expressions.  Non-verbal cues typically happen outside of awareness which makes them the most reliable form of communication.  If someone is telling you they are doing just fine but are saying that at a distance from you, with arms crossed, and avoiding eye contact, chances are they aren’t fine.  Be aware of what your body language is communicating and be attuned to the body language of others to better gauge how they are feeling.

Avoid Defensiveness

Even if you don’t like what is being said to you try to respect differences of opinion and keep an open mind.  Hostility and defensiveness are the surest way to end effective communication and start a conflict.  Instead, try to validate other perspectives and share your own opinions respectfully.  This goes back to honesty and tact.  It is perfectly acceptable to disagree and stand by your own views, what’s important is the manner in which you do so.

Try Perspective-Taking

Every time we hear a message it is interpreted through a filter that is based on our personalities, past experiences, current emotional state, and relationship to the other person.  Consider how another person might interpret what you’re saying and the meaning they may be attaching to it.  Also be aware of how your own filter may be affecting your communications with others.

Last but certainly not least…..LISTEN!

Being an effective communicator is not only about what you say but also about how you listen.  Active listening shows that you care, are sincere, and helps build trust in any relationship.  Pay close attention to what is being said so you don’t miss the message.  Show interest through both verbal and non-verbal communication and give your full attention to the speaker.  This means avoiding interruptions and distractions whenever possible (i.e. putting your cellphone away unless it’s urgent!)