The Secret Trick to Doing Conflict Right
As a therapist, I have seen countless couples come in, stuck in a pattern of increasingly disrespectful arguments. Who will do the dishes has become a sore topic, that often ends in name-calling yelling matches. Who’s picking up the kids ends in accusations flying and both partners convinced the other just doesn’t care. Maybe one or both of you have given up all together, preferring to disengage from any conversation to avoid the seemingly inevitable criticisms and contempt.
What if I told you there’s one trick that takes arguments from intolerable, to manageable? No, arguments never feel 100% joyful, but we can leave them still feeling connected to our partner. Arguments can go from being one of many cuts that eventually crumbles a relationship to actually making the relationship stronger.
Julie and John Gottman, two renowned relationship experts on the cutting edge of relationship therapy have found the common denominator. In fact, John Gottman’s research demonstrated a remarkable ability to predict divorce with 94% accuracy, with this secret trick being one of the main components in the make or break formula. They call it the magic ratio, and it can do wonders for your partnership.
The Magic Ratio that Saves Couples
Now, just because it’s a singular trick, doesn’t mean it’s easy. In fact, I’ll preface this section by saying that if you have a difficult time arguing, you might find the magic ratio downright impossible, but research has shown that successful couples are consistently able to maintain it.
The magic ratio is a 5 to 1 ratio of positive versus negative interactions during an argument. That’s right. It means that for every scoff, every eye roll, every sarcastic jab, or sigh of frustration, there need to be five positive interactions to balance it out.
I told you; seems impossible. When you're hurt, angry, or just completely exhausted, the last thing you want to do is offer a kind word to your partner or reach out with empathy. I’ve had so many couples look at me like I’ve grown a second head when I first introduce the concept. So I’d like to take this moment to remind you again; Gottman can predict divorce with 94% accuracy, and this is one of the measures he uses to do it. So, take a moment to wrap your head around it, because clinical studies show, time and time again, that this is what it takes to be in a successful partnership (and if you really want your mind blown, outside of an argument, that ratio needs to go up to 20 to 1 positive to negative interactions).
What Does a Positive Interaction in an Argument Look Like?
The good news is that a positive interaction doesn’t have to be grand or performative. It could be something as simple as maintaining eye contact, using a calm tone, nodding in understanding, or saying, “I get why you feel that way”. It could be a touch on the arm, a moment of shared humour, or even just genuinely listening without interrupting.
Below is a list of what positive interactions in arguments could look like (not a bad idea to print it and stick it to the fridge):
- Nodding to show you’re listening
A subtle gesture that says, “I hear you”. - Saying, “I see your point” or “That makes sense”
Even if you don’t fully agree, acknowledging logic or emotion builds trust. - Using a calm, respectful tone
It keeps things grounded and prevents escalation. - Making appropriate eye contact
Looking at your partner instead of away or at your phone signals presence. - Saying, “I care about how you feel”
Simple, but often overlooked during conflict. - Apologizing for a specific behaviour, even mid-argument
“I shouldn’t have raised my voice, sorry about that”. - Using humour gently, not sarcastically
A light, shared laugh (when appropriate) can defuse tension and reconnect. - Reaching out with physical touch
A hand on the knee or a gentle touch on the arm can say, “We’re okay.” Only if both partners are receptive to touch. - Reflecting what you heard
“So you’re saying you feel overwhelmed when I come home late without telling you?”. - Saying “We’ll figure this out”
Reaffirms the partnership even in disagreement. - Acknowledging your partner’s effort or stress
“I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure lately”. - Staying curious instead of defensive
Asking, “Can you help me understand why that upset you?”. - Validating emotions without solving them
“It makes sense that you’d feel that way”.
- Taking responsibility for your part
“I could have handled that better”. - Expressing love or appreciation mid-conflict
“I’m frustrated, but I still love you and want to work through this”.
A reminder that it’s not about pretending you're not upset. It’s about how you express that upset without tearing each other down. It’s catching yourself before the sarcasm slips out. It’s reaching for connection, even when you’re frustrated.
Why does this matter? Because conflict isn’t inherently destructive; it’s how we do conflict that determines the health of the relationship. The 5 to 1 ratio helps regulate so we can maintain the connection. It keeps the argument from spiralling into disrespect or disconnection, and instead reinforces the sense that even when we disagree, we’re still on the same team.
Need Added Help?
It’s easy to fall into negative patterns when we feel hurt or defensive. But when couples practice this ratio intentionally, they begin to argue in a way that feels more like problem-solving than personal attack. The conversation may still be difficult, but it’s rooted in respect instead of resentment.
The more consistently positive your emotional bank account is, the more resilient your relationship becomes when tension shows up.
If you’re struggling to maintain that ratio (or even to have a single positive interaction during a disagreement) you’re not alone. It’s hard to shift dynamics that have been playing out for months or years, especially when emotions run high and old wounds keep getting reopened.
An objective third party can help. Changing patterns often requires a neutral space, new tools, and someone who can help both of you slow down enough to actually hear each other. If you’re interested in booking a couples therapy session with KMA, book a free 15-minute call and get set up with a therapist as soon as this week.
