Why We Self-Sabotage the Good Things: The Psychology of Pushing Love Away

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When Something Good Happens… and You Immediately Panic

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You meet someone great.
They’re kind.
They’re consistent.
They’re actually emotionally available (for once).

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Everything should feel easy — but instead, you feel:

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• Suspicious
• Overwhelmed
• Irritated
• Distant
• Triggered
• Suddenly uninterested

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And before you can stop yourself, you do something to push them away.
You ghost.
You pick fights.
You flirt with someone else.
You shut down.
You disappear emotionally.
You convince yourself they aren’t “the one.”

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This is self-sabotage — and it’s more common than you think, especially in dating-heavy neighbourhoods like Liberty Village, where independence, ambition, and emotional self-protection can mask deeper fears.

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1. What Self-Sabotage Really Is

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Self-sabotage isn’t about wanting to ruin something good.

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It’s about protecting yourself from getting hurt.

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Your brain believes:
“If I end it first, I won’t be abandoned.”
“If I pull away now, it’ll hurt less later.”
“If I mess it up, at least I’m in control of the ending.”

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Self-sabotage is not about destruction — it’s about preemptive protection.

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2. Where Self-Sabotage Begins

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Self-sabotage usually traces back to early experiences with:

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• Unpredictable love
• Emotionally unavailable caregivers
• Conditional affection
• Past betrayal or infidelity
• Being punished for vulnerability
• Rejection or abandonment

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You learned:
“Love is unsafe.
Closeness is risky.
Being needed means losing yourself.
Trusting someone means getting hurt.”

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So when good love shows up, your nervous system doesn’t recognize it as safety —
It recognizes it as danger.

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3. Self-Sabotage Is an Attachment System Response

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Here’s the psychological truth:

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Self-sabotage is your attachment style trying to protect you.

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If you’re anxiously attached

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You may sabotage because you fear rejection so deeply that you push people away before they get the chance.

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If you’re avoidantly attached

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You may sabotage because closeness feels suffocating or unsafe, so you create distance to regulate vulnerability.

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If you’re fearful-avoidant

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You want closeness but fear it — so you bounce between pulling in and pushing away.

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Self-sabotage isn’t irrational.
It’s familiar.

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4. The Subtle Ways We Sabotage Without Realizing It

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Self-sabotage isn’t always loud.
Sometimes it’s quiet — hidden in small actions that create distance:

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• Cancelling plans often
• Responding slower when things get serious
• Feeling “turned off” by kindness
• Overanalyzing every compliment
• Picking at flaws that don’t actually matter
• Comparing them to an ex
• Losing interest as soon as they show interest
• Choosing emotionally unavailable partners instead

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These patterns are not about the other person.
They’re about your relationship with safety, love, and vulnerability.

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5. Why Healthy Love Feels Uncomfortable at First

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If your nervous system is used to:

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• Chaos
• Mixed signals
• Hot-and-cold affection
• Being ignored
• Chasing people

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Then stability feels unfamiliar.
Predictability feels boring.
Kindness feels suspicious.
Consistency feels unearned.
Respect feels uncomfortable.
Someone liking you feels overwhelming.

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Your brain interprets healthy love as a threat — because it doesn’t match your template.

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This is why many people in Liberty Village’s dating scene find themselves pulled toward the wrong partners and repelled by the right ones.

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6. The Fear Behind Self-Sabotage: “What if it’s real?”

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Healthy love requires:

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• Vulnerability
• Communication
• Openness
• Trust
• Consistency
• Emotional presence

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To someone who’s been hurt, those things aren’t comforting — they’re terrifying.

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Self-sabotage becomes a shield:
“If I don’t try, I can’t fail.”
“If I don’t care, I can’t be disappointed.”
“If I don’t attach, I can’t be abandoned.”

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But you deserve more than protection.
You deserve connection.

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7. How Therapy Helps You Stop Sabotaging the Good Things

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At KMA Therapy’s Liberty Village clinic, we work with clients who want healthy love but are scared of it.

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Therapy can help you:

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• Identify your sabotage patterns
• Understand the attachment wounds underneath
• Learn emotional regulation during closeness
• Build tolerance for healthy intimacy
• Separate past pain from present relationships
• Learn how to feel safe with someone who treats you well

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Because the goal isn’t to change who you are —
it’s to help you feel safe enough to receive what you deserve.

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8. You’re Not “Too Broken to Love” — You Just Need Safety

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You’re not sabotaging because you don’t want love.
You’re sabotaging because you’ve never been taught how to trust it.

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Healing doesn’t mean becoming fearless —
it means becoming supported enough to try again.

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Your future has room for love that doesn’t confuse, frighten, or overwhelm you.

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Ready to Stop Pushing Love Away?

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If you’re tired of sabotaging good connections, our Liberty Village therapists can help you rewrite your patterns and create relationships that feel grounded, secure, and fulfilling.

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Book your 15-minute discovery call to get matched with a therapist who specializes in attachment, intimacy, and modern relationship anxiety.

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👉 Book your free 15-minute discovery call →

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