What is Eldest Daughter Syndrome? (& 3 Ways to Cope)
From Fiona in Shameless to Kate in Bridgerton, there’s no shortage of movies and shows that highlight the pressures of being an eldest daughter.
With more and more eldest daughters sharing their experiences on social media, “eldest daughter syndrome” is becoming a trendy buzzword that allows women to share their feelings about growing up as the oldest girl in their families.
But what is eldest daughter syndrome - and what implications can it have for your mental health?
Here at KMA Therapy, we’re passionate about explaining the latest mental health trends and helping you understand how they can apply to your life.
After reading this article, you’ll know what eldest daughter syndrome is, how it relates to parentified children, and three ways to cope with eldest daughter syndrome.
What is Eldest Daughter Syndrome?
Eldest daughter syndrome is a term used to describe commonly shared experiences among eldest daughters - most frequently a strong sense of pressure to take care of your family, keep things running smoothly, and make sure everyone else is okay (often at the expense of your own needs.)
While being an eldest daughter can have many positive implications, including strong leadership, empathy, and organizational skills, it can also come with a lot of stress, anxiety, and pressure.
Characteristics of eldest daughter syndrome include:
- Feeling selfish when trying to put your needs first
- Carrying a lot of responsibility within your family
- Trouble establishing or maintaining boundaries
- Feeling an immense pressure to succeed
- Experiencing feelings of perfectionism
- Difficulty expressing your emotions
Eldest daughter syndrome is a pop psychology term - meaning that it’s not an official diagnosis and it doesn’t necessarily apply to all eldest daughters.
But understanding eldest daughter syndrome (and especially how its symptoms can impact you) can be an important way to understand your experiences and advocate for the kind of support you need.
There’s a reason eldest daughter syndrome is so popular - whether you’re scrolling through Instagram infographics or watching TikToks on your For You Page, there’s no shortage of eldest daughters who feel immense pressure to take on responsibilities in their families.
Eldest Daughters and Parentified Children
There’s a lot of research going around about the biological implications of being a first-born daughter, most commonly a 2024 study that linked maternal stress with early adrenal puberty in daughters.
And while the science behind what causes daughters to transition into a more maternal role is important, you might gain more applicable information from learning about parentification.
Parentification, or parentified children, refers to a situation when a child takes on a nurturing or parenting role within their family.
If parents are neglectful, dealing with mental health or substance use issues, or coping with an immense loss, children may take on the role of parenting their own parents.
Eldest daughters may also take on the role of sibling-focused parentification, meaning that the nurturing role is focused on their siblings. While both types of parentification can lead to stress, sibling-focused parentification also has the benefit of developing a close sibling relationship.
3 Ways to Cope with Eldest Daughter Syndrome
Follow these three tips to learn how to cope with eldest daughter syndrome.
1. Learn how to set boundaries
As an eldest daughter, it’s easy for you to feel guilty when deciding to put your own needs first - you may not even be able to remember the last time you did it.
But setting strong boundaries allows you to care for yourself while continuing to show up for others. You’ll be better equipped to help those around you if you’ve made sure your basic needs are already met.
Setting boundaries can be as simple as carving out an uninterrupted hour in your schedule to work out, or saying “no” when you aren’t able to (or you simply don’t want to) help someone with something.
After you’ve set a boundary, it’s time to share them with those around you.
When communicating your boundaries, remember to:
- Be specific and direct
- Choose a neutral time and place
- Focus on your feelings and needs
- Explain how you are going to maintain the boundary
2. Practice self-care
Practicing self-care doesn’t only mean taking a bubble bath and reading a book every once in a while.
Self-care actually covers six areas of your life that need attention in order for you to be fully cared for.
The six types of self-care are:
- Emotional
- Practical
- Spiritual
- Physical
- Mental
- Social
This means that caring for yourself involves finding ways to nurture all of these aspects of your life, including eating nourishing foods, getting enough sleep, connecting with friends, understanding your emotions, and even having fun.
You’re probably already great at looking out for what other people need - but it’s okay to look out for what you need, too.
3. Release perfectionism
You aren’t going to be able to do everything perfectly - and that includes setting boundaries and practicing self-care. It’s important to know that that’s okay!
While perfectionism is often seen as a desire to get everything right, it’s often just a fear of doing things wrong. It’s setting high standards for yourself that you’ll never be able to reach, and then being ashamed when you don’t meet them.
Remember that it’s okay to do things at your own pace, and it’s okay for some things to just be good (even if they’re not perfect.)
Your ability to do things “perfectly” isn’t tied to your worth.
Undoing perfectionism can be difficult, and speaking to a therapist who specializes in perfectionism can be helpful.
Next Steps for Coping with Eldest Daughter Syndrome
After reading this article, you know what eldest daughter syndrome is and how to cope with it.
Here at KMA Therapy, we’re always here if you need someone to be in your corner. Our understanding team of therapists is here to listen to you, validate your emotions, and help you get the support you deserve.
Register online to connect with our team or download our free Therapy 101 Guide to learn more.
If you’d prefer to keep reading, explore these related articles:
- What is Perfectionism? (& 8 Signs You May Be a Perfectionist)
- 10 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser - and How to Stop
- What is Self-Compassion? (& 5 Ways to Build It)
About the Author
Emily Weatherhead has a Masters in Community Psychology from Wilfrid Laurier University, where her research focused on improving post-secondary student mental health. She is passionate about finding new ways to make mental health research more accessible and break down the barriers that prevent people from receiving mental health care.
