How to Know When You’re Self-Soothing vs. Self-Sabotaging
We all have those days. You’re overwhelmed, anxious, or emotionally bruised, and your instinct is to reach for something familiar to make it better. Maybe it’s a glass of wine, a spontaneous online shopping haul, or an eight-hour TikTok spiral under your blanket. And in the moment, it works. Sort of. You feel calmer, a little numbed out, or pleasantly distracted.
But later? You’re left with a headache, an empty bank account, a mountain of neglected texts, and the gnawing sense that you didn’t actually feel better… you just postponed the hard feelings.
This is where the line between self-soothing and self-sabotaging gets blurry. One is about gentle regulation and comfort. The other quietly chips away at your well-being while pretending to help.
And the truth is, it’s not always obvious in the moment. So let’s break it down.
What Is Self-Soothing?
Self-soothing is the act of intentionally calming your nervous system and creating a sense of emotional safety using gentle, non-harmful strategies. It helps reduce distress without adding new problems or consequences you’ll have to clean up later.
Signs of true self-soothing:
- You feel emotionally steadier afterward
- It doesn’t cause you guilt, shame, or regret
- It builds resilience for future tough moments
- It respects your limits and values
- It helps you stay present, even in discomfort
Examples:
- Taking a walk while listening to calming music
- Watching a light, feel-good show to decompress
- Journaling your tangled thoughts
- Taking a nap
- Sitting on your balcony with a cold drink and no phone
What Is Self-Sabotaging?
Self-sabotage is when coping behaviors that temporarily ease discomfort end up hurting you emotionally, physically, financially, or relationally in the long run. It often offers a fast dopamine hit or numbing escape, while quietly reinforcing cycles of avoidance, disconnection, and regret.
Signs of self-sabotage:
- You feel worse physically or emotionally afterward
- It disrupts your sleep, relationships, or responsibilities
- It’s driven by avoidance or numbing, not care
- You justify it in the moment but regret it later
- It adds to your stress rather than relieving it
Examples:
- Excessive online shopping when anxious about bills
- Picking fights with loved ones when you feel emotionally unsafe
- Binge drinking to avoid hard emotions
- Ghosting your therapist because you don’t want to unpack something
- Avoiding important tasks until they cause panic
Why It’s So Easy to Confuse the Two
Part of the problem is that both self-soothing and self-sabotaging can feel good in the moment. Both lower immediate emotional intensity. Both can involve comforting rituals. The difference is whether they offer sustainable relief or temporary numbing with consequences.
A glass of wine on your balcony? Self-soothing.
Four glasses while doomscrolling and ignoring texts from people who care about you? Likely self-sabotaging.
It’s not the activity alone — it’s the why, how, and what happens after that matters.
How to Check In With Yourself Mid-Coping
Before you reach for your go-to comfort thing, try asking:
- Am I trying to care for myself or avoid something?
- Will this choice leave me feeling better or regretful afterward?
- Is this moving me toward calm or further disconnection?
- Is this a quick escape or a nourishing pause?
- Would I feel okay telling someone I trust about this?
If the honest answers lean toward avoidance, regret, and disconnection — it might be self-sabotage masquerading as self-care.
5 Relatable Adult Examples of This Confusion
1. The Impulse Buy Spiral
You convince yourself you need that $120 throw blanket for emotional support. It ships. You feel a dopamine hit. Two hours later, you’re stressing about rent.
- Self-soothing alternative: Curate an online wishlist or Pinterest board for cozy things you love, without buying anything. Still comforting, no financial hangover.
2. The ‘Just One More Episode’ Lie
You tell yourself one episode of that reality show will help you unwind. Four hours later, it’s midnight, and you’re wired and anxious about tomorrow.
- Self-soothing alternative: Pick a show with 20-minute episodes. Set a literal timer. When it goes off, transition to a light wind-down ritual (like stretching or a podcast in bed).
3. The Social Media Black Hole
You’re stressed, so you scroll TikTok for a distraction. Two hours later, you’ve dissociated through 500 videos and now feel weirdly hollow.
- Self-soothing alternative: Set a 10-minute alarm. Watch videos that genuinely make you laugh or relax. When the timer goes, close the app and shift to something offline.
4. The Avoidant Nap
You’re anxious about a task and nap for four hours, waking up disoriented and guilt-ridden.
- Self-soothing alternative: Take a planned 20-minute rest with an alarm. Pair it with a cozy playlist or a short meditation so it feels like care, not escape.
5. The Food Mood Cycle
You order fast food when upset, scarf it down, and feel physically worse.
- Self-soothing alternative: Have a favorite snack that feels indulgent but won’t leave you feeling worse (frozen grapes, dark chocolate, iced tea). Eat it slowly, intentionally.
15 Therapist-Approved Alternatives to Self-Sabotaging Coping
1. Name What You’re Feeling Out Loud
It sounds overly simple, but naming what’s happening inside you activates parts of your brain responsible for emotional regulation. When you say “I’m overwhelmed,” or “I feel lonely right now,” you externalize the emotion, creating distance between yourself and the feeling. The goal isn’t to fix it immediately — it’s to acknowledge it without judgment. You might even notice the intensity of the emotion drop by a few notches the moment you name it.
Example: You’re scrolling through social media and feel a pit in your stomach. Pause, say it: “I feel left out.” That awareness changes what you might choose to do next.
2. Swap Distraction for Gentle Engagement
Distraction can be useful, but mindless numbing often leaves you emptier. Instead, try gentle engagement — activities that hold your focus softly without demanding too much. It might be watering your plants, tidying one shelf, or coloring in a simple pattern book. These tasks anchor your brain in the present moment while offering a sense of completion and control.
Why it works: Gentle, tactile activities regulate your nervous system through sensory input while offering low-stakes accomplishment.
3. Keep a ‘Safe Show’ List
Not every show is emotionally neutral. Some can stir up old memories or leave you feeling drained. Have a list of light, comforting series you can reliably turn to when you’re dysregulated. Think old sitcoms, cooking competitions, or feel-good documentaries. Shows that don’t demand emotional labor, plot tracking, or intense investment help you co-regulate.
Pro tip: Make a ‘safe watch’ playlist on your streaming service so it’s easy to find in rough moments.
4. Try a Change-of-State Activity
When your nervous system is stuck in overwhelm, sometimes the fastest way to interrupt it is by physically changing your state. Move your body in a way that feels accessible …stretch your arms overhead, press your feet into the floor, or step outside for a breath of different air. This tells your survival brain that the danger has passed, even if it was emotional.
Bonus idea: Open a window or splash cold water on your face. Sensory shifts work wonders.
5. Write a 5-Minute Brain Dump
When your mind is spinning with anxious thoughts or racing lists, give those thoughts somewhere to land. Set a timer for five minutes and write down everything in your head without editing or organizing. It doesn’t need to make sense. The point is to externalize the noise.
Example:
“I can’t forget to call back that dentist. Why is it so hot today? I hate how my shirt feels. I miss my old apartment. I wonder if I should change jobs.”
You’ll likely feel a little lighter just seeing it all on paper.
6. Prep a Coping Kit Box
Create a small, physical box (or even a digital folder on your phone) filled with items that comfort and regulate you. Include things that ground your senses: a soothing scent, a soft texture, a playlist of songs that calm you, a photo of a loved one, or a letter you wrote yourself on a good day.
Why it matters: When you’re dysregulated, decision-making is harder. Having a pre-curated kit removes that extra work and gives you tools within reach.
7. Practice the 3-3-3 Grounding Technique
This classic grounding tool helps anchor you back into the present moment quickly. When you notice spiraling or dissociation, pause and:
- Name 3 things you see around you
- Name 3 things you hear
- Move 3 parts of your body (wiggle your toes, roll your shoulders, stretch your hands)
It’s a gentle way to reconnect with your environment and your body when everything feels untethered.
8. Sip Something Cold, Slowly
Temperature changes have a calming effect on the body, especially for anxiety spikes. Grab a glass of cold water, herbal iced tea, or a smoothie, and focus on the sensation of the coldness against your lips, down your throat, and in your hands. The goal is to drink it slowly, mindfully… as a grounding ritual, not a rushed task.
Extra tip: Add lemon, mint, or cucumber for subtle sensory variation.
9. Curate a 15-Minute Reset Routine
Build a small, consistent routine you can turn to when you notice your emotions running hot or low. The predictability of routine is deeply regulating for the nervous system.
Example reset routine:
- Stretch for one minute
- Light a candle or essential oil diffuser
- Play one favorite, calming song
- Wash your face with cool water
- Sit by a window and look outside for five minutes
Know what soothes you in small doses and string them together when you need a reset.
10. Give Yourself Permission to Start Over
One of the most compassionate things you can do is let yourself reset anytime. Maybe you over-scrolled, skipped therapy, or emotionally spiraled for hours… you can still stop, recalibrate, and choose something different mid-day, mid-week, mid-month. There’s no expiration date on self-compassion.
Important reminder: The ‘all-or-nothing’ trap is one of self-sabotage’s favorite tricks. Interrupt it with grace.
11. Try Guided Imagery or Visualization
When your external world feels chaotic, create a soothing internal space. Find a quiet spot, close your eyes, and imagine a peaceful, safe environment — maybe a beach, forest, or cozy room. Picture yourself there in detail: what you see, hear, smell, and feel. Stay there for a few minutes, letting your body unwind.
Why it works: The brain responds to imagined calm similarly to real calm, making this a powerful, portable tool.
12. Text a Low-Effort, Safe Person
You don’t need a deep heart-to-heart when you’re dysregulated. Sometimes a simple, low-pressure “Hey, rough day, just needed to say hi” text to a friend can remind you of connection without emotional labor.
Tip: Keep a list of people it feels safe to do this with — those who won’t pressure you for details or solutions.
13. Do One Tiny Productive Thing
When self-sabotage thrives, it often tells you that nothing matters. Push back against that by choosing one small, achievable task. Wipe down a counter. Reply to one email. Take out the trash. That micro-accomplishment can interrupt spiraling thoughts and spark a tiny flicker of control.
Important: The task’s size doesn’t matter — the completion feeling does.
14. Change Your Environment (If You Can)
Sometimes the fastest way to regulate is to physically move to a different space. If you’re overwhelmed at your desk, sit on the floor. If your bedroom feels stifling, go outside for five minutes. Even rearranging your position in the same room can shift your mental state.
Why it helps: The nervous system associates environments with emotions. New space, new input, new mood potential.
15. Ask Yourself: ‘What Would I Offer a Friend in This Spot?’
When you’re caught in self-sabotaging habits, your inner critic tends to get loud. Interrupt it by imagining what you’d say to a loved one feeling how you do. Would you shame them for scrolling too long? For skipping a workout? No. You’d offer softness.
Then give yourself permission to receive that same kindness.
Compassion Over Criticism
We all blur the line between self-soothing and self-sabotaging sometimes. It’s part of being human in a complicated, overstimulating world. What matters is noticing the patterns, understanding your motives, and offering yourself kindness as you learn to choose care over escape.
At KMA Therapy, we help people untangle these patterns in a judgment-free space. Whether you’re trying to build better coping tools or unpack the reasons behind your self-sabotaging habits, you don’t have to do it alone.
Your comfort matters and you deserve coping strategies that truly nourish you.
Book your first free 15 minute introductory call today!
