How to Make your Divorce Less Painful: (Not Legal) Advice from a Divorce Lawyer

Separation and divorce is hard on families.

Your children, your home, your job, and your heart – everything that was once stable can become uncertain when a relationship breaks down.

The process and the outcome will have a profound effect on your life for many years to follow, and there is a lot at stake. It is not unusual to feel overwhelmed by the weight of the decisions you have to make knowing that these choices will affect your future and the future of your children.

From my experience observing and assisting clients going through a separation or divorce, I want to share some do’s and don’ts for you to keep in mind that will help make the process smoother and relieve some of the stress:

1. Don’t try to rush.

Getting formally separated or divorced takes time. There are a lot of issues that need to be resolved and it will take time to do it properly. Trying to hurry the matter along because you just want it all over with could lead to important issues being overlooked or mistakes being made and these could end up having negative consequences down the road.

2. Don’t use your lawyer to vent.

This is not a productive use of your time or your money. Keep track of how much time you are spending talking to your lawyer and how much of that time is actually being spent on complaining about your ex’s behaviour or attitude. You should seek out a professional counsellor or a friend or family member who can provide you with emotional support so that you can reserve your time with your lawyer to focus on the legal issues that you have hired him or her to deal with.

3. Don’t listen to everyone else.

Each family’s circumstances are different. Don’t let other people tell you how your case should be moving faster, or how you should definitely get sole custody because the neighbour got custody of her children, or how your co-worker didn’t have to pay support for his stepson so you shouldn’t have to either. None of these people have all of the facts, so although they probably mean well, they can actually be confusing or misleading you and causing more harm than good.

4. Do listen to your lawyer.

The lawyer is there to give you realistic advice and provide some objectivity for you at a time when it may be difficult to make decisions without your emotions taking control. Your lawyer has an obligation to act in your best interest so trust that your lawyer is telling you what you need to hear even if you may not want to hear it. While you do have the right to get a second opinion if you think your lawyer is not competent, most lawyers do know what they are doing so you should really consider whether to follow your lawyer’s advice.

5. Do stay organized.

You will likely be asked to produce financial documentation at some point during the process. Oftentimes, there are strict timelines for the production of important documents. Keeping your paperwork organized early on helps take the pressure off you and makes it easier for your lawyer to quickly access the information that he or she needs.

6. Do think twice before you speak when it comes to communicating with your ex spouse.

Things that are said in anger or in haste have a way of coming back to haunt you. Taking the high road with your ex spouse will help you personally weather the storm much better and it will set a good example for your children.

7. Do stay focused on your future.

The way in which you get divorced will have an impact on your future and your children’s future. You can influence how well you and your ex spouse are able to get along for the sake of your children and this can carry forward to your relationship as co-parents post-divorce. For those without children, staying focused on your future can mean seeing the separation as an opportunity to move in a different direction with your life and pursue new goals.