Attachment Styles: How Do They Affect Your Relationships?
Your attachment style is shaping your relationships more than you think.
We all have a person with whom we feel attached. However, everyone has unique attachment styles. While some attachment styles can be positive, some can have adverse effects on relationships as well as mental health.
To address the attachment styles, it is crucial to understand what is an attachment style and what types exist.
This blog will discuss in detail the types of attachment styles. If you want to know your attachment style or want to change it, you should visit KMA Therapy. Meanwhile, let's discuss attachment styles in detail!
What is an Attachment Style?
Attachment styles are the patterns of our emotional connection, behaviour, and reaction towards or in our closest relationships. These attachment patterns develop early in life and can cling to you throughout your adulthood. Moreover, these attachment styles can profoundly impact how we feel about ourselves and how we make a bond with others in our lives.
So, what is an attachment style? It's how we respond to our relationships' emotional support and needs. These styles are the foundation for building the rest of the relationships. They influence our well-being, social support, and our satisfaction within a relationship.
Characteristics of Attachment
Understanding your attachment style is crucial because it can significantly impact your relationship.
John Bowlby, a notable psychoanalyst and psychiatrist known for his work in attachment styles, identified four main characteristics that show how we connect with the ones closest to us.
He begins by mentioning the first characteristic, proximity maintenance, meaning we desire to be close to people we love. Furthermore, the second characteristic mentioned is the person acting as our haven. When things get tough, we tend to turn towards someone special for comfort and security, which makes us feel protected and at ease.
Thirdly, that person acts as our secure base because they give us a sense of security, making us feel safe, just like a parent watching their child, and the child knows their parent is there for them to protect.
Lastly, Bowlby states that separation distress is another characteristic of an attachment. It often feels anxious or uneasy when someone you are attached to is not around you; that's separation distress.
Factors Influencing Attachment Styles
John Bowlby offered three critical insights into how our attachment styles are shaped:
Consistent Care Leads to Trust
Bowlby believed that when children know they can count on their caregivers to always be there for them, they feel more secure and less fearful than those who aren't as sure about their caregiver's availability.
Example: Imagine a toddler at a playground. When they look back and see their parents watching from a bench, they feel secure and continue to explore and play.
This consistent presence and attention make the child trust that their parent is reliable and will be there when needed. In contrast, a child whose parent is often distracted or absent may become anxious or hesitant to venture far, unsure of their parent's availability.
Early Experiences are Critical
The trust and confidence a child develops with their caregiver during crucial early years—infancy through adolescence—tend to set the tone for how they'll approach relationships throughout their life. These early impressions usually stick with us for a long time.
Example: Consider a child who is regularly comforted and cared for when they fall ill or get hurt. These consistent actions during their early years build trust and security that the child carries into other relationships, expecting the same level of care and response.
As they grow into adulthood, these children will likely maintain that early confidence in relationships, feeling secure and valued.
Expectations Stem from Experiences
If a child's caregivers consistently meet their needs, the child will expect this reliability to continue. This expectation forms based on their past experiences, influencing how they'll interact in relationships in the future.
Example: A child whose cries are met with quick and loving responses will learn to expect their needs to be met promptly. For instance, whenever a baby cries, a caregiver responds by picking them up, soothing them, or feeding them; the baby learns to associate crying with a positive response.
This forms an expectation that the people they depend on will always be responsive, influencing how they interact in future relationships, expecting attentiveness and responsiveness from others.
Attachment theory is the science behind why we get attached to people, like our parents or caregivers, when we are little. It is crucial because it sets the stage for feeling safe and secure.
In 1969, researchers did this exciting experiment called the Strange Situation to dig deeper into how kids bond. They watched little ones play with their parents, then saw what happened when the parents left the room and came back a little later. The kids' reactions gave us a lot of clues about different types of attachment.
They identified four attachment styles from this experiment:
Secure Attachment: Kids with this style get upset when their parents leave but quickly cheer up when they see them again, and they trust their parents will always come back.
Anxious Attachment: These kids also get upset but are still slightly unsettled when their parents return. Moreover, they're still determining if their parents will always be there to comfort them. These little ones don't mind much either way. They don't show much emotion, whether their parents are there.
Disorganized Attachment: Some kids can't figure out how to deal with their parent's disappearance. They might react unexpectedly, like freezing up or getting upset more extremely, like crying inconsolably.
Dr Derrig tells us that these reactions are significant indicators of how much kids feel they can depend on their caregivers. How they react can influence how they deal with relationships when they grow up.
For example, kids who feel secure with their parents know they can always rely on their loved ones to be there. This makes them feel concerned when they leave but relieved when they return. However, kids who've learned not to expect much from their caregivers don't get as flustered when they leave or return—they've gotten used to handling things independently.
Knowing about these attachment styles opens our eyes to why we act the way we do with people close to us, even as adults. It's like understanding the roots of our relationship habits.
The Four Attachment Styles
There are four styles: secure attachment, anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment:
Secure Attachment Style: The Ideal Bond
How Does It Develop? Secure attachment forms when caregivers consistently meet a baby's emotional and physical needs. This consistency helps the child feel safe and understood. Babies with secure attachment prefer their primary caregiver, who feels more at ease and calm in their presence than when they are with strangers.
Signs
- Comfort Seeking
- Joyful Greetings
- Confident Exploration
- Caregiver Preference
Manifestation in Relationships
- Trusting
- Open
- Emotionally Available
Anxious Attachment Style: Understanding the Insecure Bond
How Does It Develop? Anxious attachment develops when caregivers are inconsistent with their attention and responsiveness. Babies under such care never quite know if their emotional or physical needs will be met, which can lead to feelings of insecurity.
Signs
- Uncertainty about caregiver availability
- Difficulty being comforted
- Frequent need for reassurance
Manifestation in Relationships
In adulthood, those with an anxious attachment style might:
- Appear clingy or overly dependent
- Show high levels of distrust toward partners
- Constantly seek reassurance to feel secure in relationships
It may seem overwhelming initially, but it can be managed by simple actions like reassuring texts, goodbye kisses, or by making affirming plans.
Avoidant Attachment Style: The Independent Approach
How Does It Develop? Avoidant attachment often starts in infancy when caregivers meet only a child's physical needs—like feeding and changing—without offering much emotional warmth or connection. This lack of emotional support teaches the child to become self-reliant and not to expect comfort or closeness from others.
Signs
- Minimal emotional expression toward caregivers
- High self-sufficiency from a young age
- Reluctance to seek comfort from others
Manifestation in Relationship
- Value independence and personal space
- Avoid deep emotional conversations
- Struggle with showing or responding to affection
Disorganized Attachment Style: The Complex Patterns
How Does It Develop? Disorganized attachment is also known as fearful-avoidant attachment. It usually forms in a child through highly inconsistent and traumatic early experiences with their primary caregivers. This can include exposure to fear, significant unpredictability in care, or outright neglect.
Signs
- Inconsistent or erratic behaviour towards caregivers
- Mixed responses of both approach and avoidance towards trusted individuals
- General signs of confusion and disorientation in relationships
Manifestation in Relationship
- Unpredictable and intense relationship dynamics
- A pattern of wanting closeness but fearing intimacy and reacting by pushing people away
- Challenges in forming stable and trusting relationships due to past traumas
It is the most complex type of attachment style; however, it can be managed by dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), which helps to manage emotions and establish secure relational patterns.
Child Development and Secure Attachment
Characteristics as Children
- Comfortably separates from parents
- Seeks comfort from parents when frightened
- Greet the return of parents with positive emotions
- Prefers parents over strangers
Adult Outcomes of Secure Attachment
Characteristics as Adults
- Forms trusting, lasting relationships
- Generally has good self-esteem
- Comfortable sharing feelings with partners and friends
- Actively seeks out and utilizes social support
How do Attachment Types develop in Childhood?
Foundations of Attachment
Attachment styles are determined by the interaction between the principal caregiver, usually parents, and the child. Children look to their caregivers for comfort, soothing, and support.
Suppose a caregiver has consistently provided a warm and nurturing environment and is very much in touch with the child's expressed and unexpressed physical and emotional needs. In that case, a secure attachment is formed.
Impact of Caregiver Atunement
Usually, children develop a secure attachment if their caregivers are responsive and sensitive to the child's needs. This means they feel safe and secure in their relationships in childhood and later as adults.
However, an insecure attachment style develops if the caregivers fail to meet the child's needs or what happens in a situation known as misatunement. Such misatunement may not always be intentional, but the child feels it, lacks support, or is neglected.
When to Worry About Your Attachment Style?
Not everyone will fully resonate with the characteristics of secure attachment. You might find specific patterns in your behaviour that cause stress or unhappiness in your relationships.
Identifying traits from one of the three insecure attachment styles—avoidant, anxious, or disorganized—can indicate that these issues need attention.
Changing Your Attachment Styles
Are you thinking about changing your attachment style? It's possible, and you're not alone if you're considering it. Here's how you can start shifting towards a more secure attachment style, explained in a friendly, easy-to-follow way.
Why Change? Sometimes, we grow up with patterns that make it hard to connect with others or trust them how we should. This can change naturally over time—like when you're with someone who's got their attachment act together, and it starts rubbing off on you. Or, as we get older, we don't have the patience for relationships that don't bring us joy or growth.
Identify Your Style 😎
First up, figure out your attachment style. What is yours? Chatting with a therapist can help you nail it down and start working on it.
Learn from Secure Friends👥
Got a friend or partner who's like a relationship ninja? Stick close to them. Watch how they handle their relationships and try to determine what they're putting down.
Be Patient and Reflective😌
Remember, significant changes don't happen overnight. Give yourself the space to slowly build new habits and ways of thinking about your relationships.
Journal Your Feelings✍️
Keep track of how you're feeling about the people in your life. Do you notice any patterns? Writing things down can help you see what's going on.
Check the Facts ✅
When you feel upset or unsure in a relationship, pause and ask yourself what's happening. Are you assuming the worst without enough proof?
Think About Their Side💭
It's easy to get caught up in our heads. Try to consider the other person's perspective too. Are you being fair to them?
Choose Wisely 🧐
Sometimes, we're drawn to people who aren't the best for us. Think about whether your relationships are helping you grow or if they're holding you back.
Open Up 🗣️
Learn to express your feelings clearly and kindly. It helps others understand you better and respond to your needs.
Begin Your Journey with KMA Therapy
If you're ready to explore changes in your attachment style or want to understand yourself and your relationships better, KMA Therapy is here to help. Our team of experienced therapists can guide you on your journey towards personal growth and healthier relationships.
Don't wait to start improving your life. Visit us at KMA Therapy and book your first session today. Let's work together towards a happier, more secure you!
