At What Point Should I go to Couples Therapy? – 11 Signs it’s Time
As a therapist, I hear the question over and over again; Should my partner and I go to couples counselling? It’s hard to decide on the right time, and even harder to make the first move.
Some folks feel like couples therapy is only appropriate when you’re at the end of your rope, ready to separate, but that’s not true. While counselling can be helpful when you’re considering separation, therapy actually works best earlier in the process. Let’s talk through some of the most common things I see in practice, and when it’s time to get an outside look at your relationship.
1. You keep using this word
One of the most telltale signs that you are ready to let an objective third party in, is when either you, your partner, or both, are feeling stuck. Whether it’s a set of behaviours one of you can’t shake, a topic you just can’t seem to compromise on, or a recurring argument that keeps coming up despite your best efforts, that gnawing sense of being at an impasse is a strong sign that it may be time to involve a therapist.
A couple’s therapist can help bring attention to your relationship patterns, revealing the dynamics that are keeping you feeling frustrated. They can guide you to break the same weary path and take a new (often surprising) direction that feels hopeful and refreshing. It’s often an uncomfortable process, but the results can help you let go of feelings of helplessness that come with gridlocked dynamics.
2. Your partner feels like a roommate
Long-term relationships often lose their passion. It’s not uncommon to hear a partner in therapy say, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. In some cases, this can lead to a sexless marriage or relationship.
It can feel impossible to get the spark back, but a lack of passion doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. A couple’s therapist can help you identify the deeper emotional needs that have gone unspoken or unmet over time. With the right counsellor supporting you and willingness from both partners, it’s possible to rekindle intimacy, reignite desire, and create a more connected and fulfilling partnership.
3. You’re about to enter a big life transition
Big life transitions can shake even the most stable relationships. Couples often find themselves surprised at what comes up when one aspect of their shared life gets rattled. Common life transitions include:
- Moving in together
- Marriage
- Having children
- Moving to a new city
- Career changes or career loss
- Illness or caregiving
- Trying to get pregnant
- Empty nest
- Retirement
How couples navigate transitions can significantly impact their long-term connection. A couple’s therapist can help you address big changes in healthy ways. You can feel more confident that you and your partner are addressing shifts while maintaining your connection.
4. Arguments are getting nasty
Decades of research have found that this one thing is the biggest predictor for divorce: contempt. It’s one of the most insidious and difficult to shake dynamics. It looks like:
- Disrespect
- Name-calling
- Mocking or mimicking
- Hostile humour
- Condescension
- Eye-rolling
- Sneering
- Sarcasm
If you notice your arguments are starting to get nastier, and respect frequently leaves the room, it is time to seek couples therapy. Instead of dreading coming home only to berate one another, couples therapy can help you override this exhausting and painful pattern. A therapist can help bring admiration, appreciation, and kindness back into a relationship.
5. One or both of you are withdrawing
On the flip side, you might notice that there are no arguments. One or both of you have iced the other out, and although you notice that you’re experiencing issues, it’s radio silence. This kind of “stonewalling” dynamic can be just as damaging as constant arguments. When tension is buried instead of addressed, it doesn’t disappear, it turns into resentment. This can lead to a lack of intimacy, loneliness in the relationship, and apathy.
A couple’s therapist can help you speak about your issues in an open and trusting space. They can manage the fears that come with confrontation and offer safety in communication. By developing tools for conflict resolution, you can reconnect with your partner, and restore trust.
6. You’ve just experienced loss
Loss of any kind can be incredibly devastating. Whether one partner has lost a loved one, or you’re experiencing a joint loss, like a miscarriage or loss of a child, the emotional impact can be entirely overwhelming. It feels impossible to see a way forward, and couples often feel isolated in their pain.
A couples therapist can help you find a path through. Through understanding and grief attuned tools, they help partners navigate their individual and shared emotions and build compassionate communication. Loss is never easy, and there is no “forgetting” or “getting over” the ones lost, but couples can learn to grow alongside the grief and find a way through together.
7. There’s been (or almost been) an affair
The effects of an affair are crushing. Those whose partners had an affair may struggle with intense trust issues, resentment, feelings of abandonment, and fury. Those who were involved in an affair may experience intense remorse, feelings of isolation, and shame for their actions. It can feel impossible to salvage, much less rebuild a relationship.
Couples therapy helps couples begin the extremely difficult work of healing. Partners are given a safe space to express their raw emotions. They can understand the underlying reasons for the affair. Through a therapist’s guidance and support, they can begin to rebuild trust and explore ways of moving forward together.
8. Things feel unfair
Whether it’s household chores, parenting responsibilities, financial contributions, or emotional labor, feelings of imbalance create tension in a relationship. When one partner feels they’re carrying more of the load even after attempts at communicating their concerns, resentment can build. You may find yourself getting into huge, painful arguments about issues as “trivial” as who did the dishes or one of you going out while the other stays in with the kids.
A couple’s therapist can help you communicate the importance and meaning behind these resentments. They can guide you into new dynamics that feel more equitable and bring a sense of relief. They can also identify assumptions, unspoken expectations, or communication blocks that contribute to the imbalance. Together, both partners can develop empathy and practical strategies for sharing responsibilities more fairly.
9. You want to be proactive about the health of your relationship
People often feel this reason isn’t “valid enough”, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Proactive couples counselling works! And for good reason; couples who white knuckle their way through relationship pain often come to therapy exhausted. On the other hand, couples who address communication, intimacy, compromises, and values early and often, avoid the pitfalls of resentment, emotional distance, and chronic misunderstanding.
Couples therapy can help partners create a strong foundation of mutual support that’s resilient to life’s challenges. Whether you’re thinking about taking a next step in your relationship and want to discuss how best to manage potential issues, or want to increase your awareness and understanding of yourselves and one another, a couples therapist can be a valuable guide.
10. You’re noticing a difference in values
You might have agreed on things up until a point, but now, you’re noticing some meaningful differences. It could your:
- Ideas about money
- Boundaries with family members
- Time spent together
- Parenting styles
- Career goals
- Approaches to health
These differences are totally natural, but can lead to tension if unaddressed. A couples therapist can help you explore these differences in healthy ways, improve communication, and develop strategies to navigate them in a way that honors both partners’ needs.
11. One or both of you are thinking about separation or divorce
It’s a tough thing to discuss, but it’s also one of the most important times to seek support. Once the idea of ending the relationship enters the conversation (or lingers silently) it’s a sign that deeper issues have gone unaddressed for too long. When you get to the point of considering separation, it can feel like it’s too late to work things out, but many marriages on the brink of divorce can become joyful and supportive again.
Couples therapy can be the much needed turning point. It offers a space to unpack what’s led you here, rebuild trust, and decide together what a healthier, more fulfilling path forward could look like. Whether you choose to stay together or part ways, a therapist can guide you through the process with honesty, compassion, and a focus on minimizing harm to both partners (and any children involved).
All in All,
Although it might seem intimidating or carry a stigma, about 50% of married couples see couples therapists. The AAMFT has found that 90% of couples who attended couples therapy reported an improvement in emotional health, and almost 66% even saw and improvement in their physical health.
If you’re considering whether now is the right time, odds are, you’ve been experiencing issues in your relationship unsupported, for longer than you need to.
If you’re ready to see a couple’s therapist, book a 15-minute free consultation with us today. One of our registered couples therapists can see you as soon as this week.
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